Desert or Living Water

I am just going to be brutally honest and tell you that I am very angry.  I am angry with myself, angry with what has been done to me, and angry what I have done to others.  I want to be free and I guess in time I might be or maybe, I will just know of "His grace in my time of need" (Hebrews 4:16) or that "His grace is sufficient to me" (2 Corinthians 12:9)  I even wrote in my journal the other night, maybe the miracle for me right now in life is to know His grace in the midst of my pain instead of the healing.  I swear i continually hear Jesus say over and over, "i just want you to know my grace..."  And at first, i would respond with "i don't deserve it" to now being only able to say "thank you."  Jesus and I both fully know what I deserve and what I don't deserve and I do not need to remind Him because frankly it isn't going to change things because "neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to seperate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)  So i am going to just keep walking forward even if it is baby steps toward my Jesus...and in due time He will do what He thinks is best.  If it is for me to have a thorn in my flesh for the rest of my life here, may He be glorified through it.  If He decides to remove it after some time, may He be glorified through it.  His call...not mine.

Now, i had a good visit with a friend this morning, let me share it with you:

So I will set it up by having you picture a very hot and dry desert.  In the desert nothing grows and there is no water.  Can you imagine being out there all day long with no relief?  Shew.  This morning while having coffee a dear friend came to visit me.  His name is Jeremiah.  He shared this thought with me that I so badly needed and then of course, i thought of you my friend...let me share

"cursed is the person who trusts in mankind.  He makes human flesh his strength, and his heart is turns from the Lord.  He will be like a juniper in the Arabah (if you know me you know that when I read scripture i always ask the Lord to show me a phrase, a word, or a picture of what He would like for me to chew on...well, the juniper in the Arabah was the phrase...ill come back to it in a minute) he cannot see when good comes but dwells in the parched places in the wilderness, in a salt land where no one lives.  The person who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence indeed is the Lord is blessed.  He will be like a tree planted by water; it sends its roots out toward a stream, it doesn't fear when heat comes and its foliage remains green.  It will not worry in a year of drought or cease producing fruit."  (Jeremiah 17:5-8)

Here is my thought - nothing grows in a desert and yet, there is a juniper tree in the midst of the Arabah = trusting in mankind.  Water makes everything grow and there is a tree that is planted right by the stream with its roots soaking in it = trusting in the Lord.  Makes sense right?  But do I believe it?  Do you believe it?  Let me ask you some hard questions that I asked myself this past week:  1.  Did you trust the Lord with whatever you faced this past week?  2.  Were your emotions controlled because of the people around you this past week?  3.  Did you give yourself time each day to allow your roots to soak in His stream this past week?  4.  Did you seek out the Lord with every decision you made this week?  Now, don't be mad at me because I never ask you questions that I first haven't dealt with myself but let me tell you, i probably only passed my own questions with a 25% rating and then I wonder why I feel like a juniper tree in the midst of Arabah not being able to see the good that has come my way.  And then when things come my way fear (v.8) and worry (v.8) come into play.  And if I continue this way, i will only be good for cutting down, being thrown into a fire or turned into a boat or a house.  A tree was made to bear fruit and you know what I do believe?  That God is so majestic and powerful that if He decided to plant me (a juniper tree} in the midst of a desert and I kept my gaze upon Him, He would allow me to bear fruit but here's the deal, He doesn't want me to be a juniper tree in the desert.  He wants me to be a tree planted by water.  He wants my roots to go toward Him.  And when heat comes, i have no fear.  When a drought comes, i am not worried.  Heck, I'm not even worried about about bearing fruit because the truth is if I am planted by the streams (Jesus) i will do what I was made to do naturally.  I think we make it way too complicated because we make it more about us than Him.  I even had an aha moment this week.  In Matthew it says that Mary Magdelene took hold of Jesus' feet after His resurrection in an act of worship and Jesus allowed it.  But in John 20, when Mary Magdelene tried to take a hold of Jesus after His resurrection,  He wouldn't allow it because in that moment, she was clinging on to Him for her, not out of worship.  And I asked myself the question, "is my life about Jesus is or is Jesus about me?"  Sadly, we make Jesus about us and that is not right.  Our lives exist because God planted us and spoke us into being and if we make our lives about Jesus...hold on.

I'm learning that my anger comes because I am focused on the wrong things.  I keep placing my trust in humans and they fail me or vice versa, i fail them and it leads to anger.  Let's not live by being a juniper tree in the desert...let's put our trust in Jesus, even with what "little" we might have and go from there.  He WANTS us.  He WANTS us to place our trust in Him. HE IS TRUSTWORTHY, let's get our eyes off of us and onto Him and we will see that to be true.  He WANTS us to produce fruit.  But today we must choose, desert or living water?